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Page 4


 
Name:
mookie
Date:
23 March 2002

Joke

2 Red Indians and a hillbilly walking in the mountains, come across a small cave the 1st red indian goes wooooooooooo wooooooooooo....a answer comes back woooooooooo woooooo...to the hillbilly says whats that....mating call of a indian girl replies the 1st indian and rips his clothes off and dashes in the cave....the 2nd indian comes across a cave wooooooo woooooo and again was a reply woooooo woooooo and rips his clothes off and dashes into a cave....the hillbilly now on his own comes across a large cave and thinks will it work for me...so he says wooooooooooo wooooooooo and to his amazement a reply woooooooo wooooooo so he rips his clothes off and dashes into the cave.....the papers read next day......HILLBILLY KILLED BY TRAIN Sent to me by a good friend in the states lads and lasses..


Name:
the pellet shadow
Date:
23 March 2002

Joke

there was a match on my local lake last week,nobody was catching exept one bloke in the corner of the lake. I said what bait are you using,he said liquourice then i said what are you catching he said alsorts!


Name:
gibhog
Date:
22 March 2002

Joke

A game warden walks up on a man fishing on private property without permission and proceeds to write him a ticket. The man tells the game warden he wasn't fishing. Whats that in your bucket there if you weren't fishing? asks the game warden. These are my pet fish exclaims the man. I bring them down here and let them swim around a while and then I call them back, they get in the bucket, and we go on home. The game warden says "Yeah Right, like I really believe that one" The man insists its true and he will show him if he likes. The game warden agrees so the man dumps the bucket of fish in the lake and just stands there. After about five minutes the game warden asks the man, Well? The man replies "well what?" Arent you going to call them back? asks the game warden. Call who back? replies the man. THE FISH! exclaims the game warden. What fish? says the man.


Name:
Ginger
Date:
21 March 2002

Joke

Q.What did one fish say to the other fish A.Nothing, fish can't speak


Name:
Dave
Date:
16 March 2002

Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping, too." The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death, also. At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunch!"


Name:
mookie
Date:
15 March 2002

Joke

Bloke and 3 ducks goes in a pub....while the owner was away the bartender says to the 1st duck whats your name...Hewi said the duck...what have you been doing today said the barman...well l have been in an out of puddles all day...barman turns to the 2nd duck what about you then .....well said the duck my names Dewi and l have also been in and out of puddles all day....great said the barman.....turns to the 3rd duck ...so l guess your names Lewi said the barman.....is it f... said the duck its Puddles and dont f...... ask what l have been doing...


Name:
mookie
Date:
12 March 2002

Joke

Snail goes in to a car saleroom and says l want to buy a Ferrari, ok says the salesman....any extras asks the salesman ......yes replied the snail l want a large S painted on both doors and boot and bonnet...ok said the salesman...but can l ask why ?? well said the snail so the people can say look at the S..CAR GO .....!!!!!!!


Name:
Cheesy
Date:
16 February 2002

Joke

What is the fastest fish in the world? Ans= a moter pike.


Name:
cheesy
Date:
16 February 2002

Joke

did you here about the boy who drowned in a bowl of semolina he got dragged under by a strong current.


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
10 February 2002

Joke

It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joes boat sank on the same day that Johns wife died. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John said I was sorry to hear of your great loss and you must feel terrible. Joe replied Well I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle THE OLD LADY FAINTED


Name:
mookie
Date:
07 February 2002

Joke

What should you feed short Elfs??......Elf raising flour !!!!!


Name:
Goober
Date:
06 February 2002

Joke

A lady went to the doctor and had to sit and wait in his lobby for an hour. When the doctor finally called her in he asked "how can I help you". The lady exclaimed that she had gas but it did not smell and could not be heard. The doctor gave her some pills and said "take these for a week and come back". The next week she came back and had to sit in the lobby for another hour. When the doctor called her in he asked "well, how did the pills work". The lady replied "they worked pretty well, now they smell but still can't be heard." The doctor replied "OK, now that we have your sinuses cleared up we'll work on getting you a hearing aid."


Name:
Stu
Date:
06 February 2002

Joke

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality." The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality." No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath. "After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
06 February 2002

Joke

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"


Name:
Peter.
Date:
02 February 2002

Joke

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."


Name:
Peter
Date:
02 February 2002

Joke

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!"


Name:
Peter
Date:
02 February 2002

Joke

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


Name:
Peter
Date:
02 February 2002

Joke

A little girl was learning the Lords Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. Her Father listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."


Name:
peter
Date:
02 February 2002

Joke

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
02 February 2002

Joke

Mrs. Webbern hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Webbern tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Tomorrow please, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Webbern asks the girl, and the two of them go into the bedroom, the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Webbern pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Webbern says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."


Name:
Zip
Date:
02 February 2002

Joke

Guy is sent out on a hot summers day to walk his wifes little Pekinese. Very shortly after reaching the town he fancies a drink, but is met at the first pub by a notice saying 'No Dogs except Guide Dogs' Walking on he gets progessivly more in need of a drink, but pub after pub has the same notice! On a brainwave, he goes into a nearby chemists and buying a pair of sunglasses, slips them on and walks fumblingly into the next pub, displaying the now hated sign, with his dog in tow. 'Pint of lager, please' he calls as he deliberately collides with the bar. 'Sorry' said the barman, 'We only allow Guide Dogs in here' looking at the Pekinese. 'This is a Guide Dog' said the Guy 'No it's not 'said the barman 'Guide Dogs are Alsatians, or Labradors' Quick as a flash, the guy bent down and ran his hands over the dog. 'Hell' he said 'What have they given me then?'


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
31 January 2002

Joke

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question. As he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father. "That's wonderful. He's so smart! I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up!" "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
31 January 2002

Joke

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."


Name:
Ziptrev
Date:
31 January 2002

Joke

Guy at a bus stop sees a man with a Guide dog across the road. To his horror, he sees the dog lift its leg and spray all down the mans trousers! Unbelievably, the only response from the man was to reach in his pocket and offer the dog a biscuit! The guy runs across the road and says "I want to congratulate you on your kindness to your dog. Most people would have been furious if their dog had wet all over them!" The man says "Shaddup!, I'm trying to locate the mouth end, so I can judge where to kick it in the Bollocks!"


Name:
bigtel
Date:
28 January 2002

Joke

Man in camoflage staggers into a chip shop with a 42lb carp in his arms and asks "do you make fishcakes?"."yes"the chippy replies."well do him one cause its his birthday"


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
25 January 2002

Joke

A farmer whos been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered, Stated the counsel for the insurance company. Yes, that's right, replied the farmer, nodding his head. You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case, Yeah, but, stammered the farmer. A simple yes or no will suffice, counsel interrupted quickly. Yes, Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health, his lawyer said. Certainly, replied the farmer. After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him.


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
24 January 2002

Joke

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in. The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.'' The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.'' It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''


Name:
Trogg
Date:
24 January 2002

Joke

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fatlady, who in turn must have slapped his face" (2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". (3) The Frenchman thought - "That f-cking Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". (4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French tw-t again".


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
21 January 2002

Joke

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
21 January 2002

Joke

One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed-over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden. The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."


Name:
Cheeky chub
Date:
21 January 2002

Joke

Why cant Afghans watch TV ?? Because of the Telly-bans


Name:
Trogg
Date:
21 January 2002

Joke

Why do men love fishing so much?? cos its the only time a woman will say "what a whopper" & mean it :-)


Name:
Zip
Date:
21 January 2002

Joke

Looking out of his window a chap finds a Gorilla sitting in his apple tree. Having phoned the Police, very quickly a Zoo van arrives. The van driver knocks and explaining they're shorthanded requests assistance in capturing the Gorilla. The understandably nervous householder wishing to quickly resolve the problem asks 'What do I have to do' The keeper opens the back of the van and hands the guy a Shotgun, A Net and a Rottweiler on a lead! Picking up a lead pipe he explains the plan. 'I'll climb the tree, when you walk round the front and the Gorillas watching you' he says. 'I'll hit the Gorilla on the back of the head with this pipe. He'll tumble to the ground, whereupon release the Dog, who is trained to grab the Gorilla by the testicles. Then throw the Net over both, I'll be down to tranquilise the Gorilla and take him back to the zoo'. 'Thats all well and good' said the householder, 'But why the Gun?' 'Ah well ', said the keeper 'If the Gorilla isn't distracted by you and knocks me out of the tree! for Christ's sake shoot the dog!'


Name:
Zip
Date:
21 January 2002

Joke

On a fishing holiday to Ireland,I tore my Jacket, so went to a Tackle Dealers in town. 'Do you have any Camouflage Jackets?' I asked, 'Oh tousands sorr' he replied 'But we can't find em'


Name:
Zip
Date:
21 January 2002

Joke

Irishman walks into a bar, orders 3 pints of Guinness, gets served , sits down , drinks 1 after the other and repeats his order. On his 3rd visit to bar, the by now curious barman says'Excuse me, but why do you order 3 at a time , instead of 1 just like everyone else?' 'Well' said the Irishman, 'I,ve a brother in Australia, 1 in America, and we vowed every friday night,to go into our local pubs and buy each other a round. That way it's as though we're together again'. Every friday night,for a year this repeats itself, until 1 day,the Guy comes in and orders just 2 pints. The barman feels uneasy, but refrains from commenting until finally , on the 3rd request, he can contain his curiosity no longer. 'I,m sorry to intrude' he says, 'But has 1 of your brothers passed on!' 'Oh no ' said the Irishman, 'Theyre fine!, but my doctor has told me I gotta give up drinking!'


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
21 January 2002

Joke

A man was stranded in the desert for ten years. One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said, "Would you like a cigar " The man said, "Lady, I ain't smoked in ten years." So, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said, "Would you like a drink " The man said, "Lady, I ain't drank in ten years." So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said, "Would you like to play around " The man said with astonishment... "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too"


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
20 January 2002

Joke

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel apppeared before the statues and said, Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire. And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue The male statue looked at the female and asked, Do you want to do it again? Smiling, the female statue said, Sure. But This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll s*/t on it's head.


Name:
Pikey
Date:
20 January 2002

Joke

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".


Name:
Peter
Date:
20 January 2002

Joke

PROVERBS > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who run in front of car get tired. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who run behind car get exhausted. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife > upright organ. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going > to Bangkok. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man with one chopstick go hungry. > *~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on > earth. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > War does not determine who is right, war determine who is > left. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat > house. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill >it. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in > basement. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


Name:
Zip
Date:
20 January 2002

Joke

Man goes to the Doctor suffering from severe constipation and on hearing of the severity of the problem the Doctor proscribes a strong suppositry and tells the guy to return in a week. On the next appointment the Doctor enquires if they worked. 'Nah!' said the man 'The silver foil was hard to get off! and for all the good they did, I might as well have shoved them up my arse!'


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
20 January 2002

Joke

A man went to the doctor and said - "Doctor, whenever I fart there's no smell". The doctor asked he man if he could do one there and then, which the man did, very loudly. The doctor sniffed a few times, said - "Yes, I think I know what the problem is", went out of the surgery for a moment and came back with a very long stick with a hook on the end. The man became very frightened and asked - "Doctor, what are you going to do with that thing?", to which the doctor replied - "I'm going to open the window - you've got something wrong with your nose!".


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
19 January 2002

Joke

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
19 January 2002

Joke

A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. 'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!' The intercom falls silent. A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says. 'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' 'That's nothing,' a passenger shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'


Name:
flying pig
Date:
19 January 2002

Joke

what goes down a river @25mph - A motorpike What goes down s river @15mph - A motorpike & sidecarp What goes down a river @10mph - A motorpike and sidecarp stuck in a tench


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
19 January 2002

Joke

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not fornicate or commit adultery! One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. 'You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what has been going on!' The missionary replies: 'No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look over there to your fields. You see a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.' The chief pauses for a moment then says, 'Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child.'


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
19 January 2002

Joke

A woman was standing in the lobby of a hotel. A man walked by and hit her in the boob with his elbow. Ouch cried the woman. Im sorry but if your heart is as soft as your boob, you will forgive me." " Yes, but if your manhood is as hard as your elbow, meet me in room 89."


Name:
Dennis.Noble@btinternet.com
Date:
18 January 2002

Joke

A postman was to deliver a letter to a house which had a sign on the gate,'Beware of the dog'. Feeling a little unnerved at this, he causiosly entered the garden. No dog. He reached the door to the house and put the letter through the letter box. On turning to leave, he met face to face with the biggest rotweiler he had ever seen. Following growling, snarles and the like, a little old lady put her head and shoulders above an adjoining fence and said "Kick its balls, he likes that". Taking this as good advice, the postman promptly did so! The lady looking over the fence then said "Your in trouble now". The postman asked "Why"? The lady replied saying "I meant those in the garden".


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
17 January 2002

Joke

Three men go for a job an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman The man doing the interviews calls in the Englishman and says here is a small test he places in front of the Englishman a potato a carrot and a knife and asks the Englishman to pick the odd one out the man chooses the knife Well done Please tell me why you chose the knife The Englishman replied I chose the knife because the other two are vegetables the interviewer then asks the Englishman to send the next candidate in In goes the Scotsman same thing happens to him please choose the odd one out we have a potato a carrot and a knife The Scotsman thinks for a while and says its the knife because the others are vegetables thank you said the interviewer and asks the Scotsman to send in the next candidate which he does In walks Paddy good morning says the interviewer here we have a small test and can you tell me which one of these is the odd one out We have a potato a carrot and a knife..Sure says paddy no problem Its the carrot. At this the interviewer looks up in disbelief and said sorry I thought you said it was the carrot... I did says paddy.. Why the carrot asks the man behind the desk well you can make chips with the other two


Name:
Peter
Date:
17 January 2002

Joke

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Peter


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
16 January 2002

Joke

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Glasgow man who left the snow-filled streets of Glasgow for a holiday in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
16 January 2002

Joke

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where." The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!" Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!" She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!" She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!" The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken finger."


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
16 January 2002

Joke

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today." The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Mary," the teacher said. "You may go first." Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny." The teacher said, "Very nice, Mary, who wants to go next?" Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie." "Very good," the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..." Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again. Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
16 January 2002

Joke

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping arcade. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking spot and runs into the arcade. After a frantic search he finds a toy shop, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes the Gym for 19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for 19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for 19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for 19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie 265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for 19.95?" "That's obvious!" the assistant exclaims, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
16 January 2002

Joke

Yesterday, scientists in the the UK revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense and couldn't drive.


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
15 January 2002

Joke

After 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the postman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The people at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a pound coin sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. 'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the pound for'? 'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a pound'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
15 January 2002

Joke

John was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." John decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, John. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, John thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before John finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, John; you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"


Name:
waxlion1
Date:
15 January 2002

Joke

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven. She meets St. Peter at the Gates, and notices thousands of clocks. "What are all these clocks for?" she asks St. Peter. "Each person has one," he replied. "They start at midnight, and every time someone tells a lie, it moves ahead one minute. This one is Mother Teresa's. She never lied, so it never moved. This one is George Washington's. He told only two, so it is at two minutes past midnight." Hillary looks around and asks, "So, where is Bill's clock?" "Oh,"St. Peter chuckled, "Jesus has that one in his office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


 

And There's more.........

Page 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5, the Corner Peg
 
 


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