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Page 5


 
Name:
waxlion1
Date:
13 January 2002

Joke

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to heaven." "Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr.John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"


 
Name:
Jackie
Date:
13 January 2002

Joke

Three sea anglers were walking down the beach when they came across a mermaid. James said in his finest english accent "Excuse me ma'am but are you a mermaid?" to which she replied "Yes". "Well have you ever been kissed before?" and before she could answer he puckered up and kissed her smack on the lips. Glaswegian Jocky pushed James out of the way and asked "Have you ever had your boobs fondled before??" to which she replied "Oh no!" and before she could say another word, he lurched forward, grabbed them and carressed them. Paddy pushed his way to the front and blurted out "If your a real mermaid, have you ever been f##ked before!?" Before she could reply he shreiked "Well you have now cause the tides gone out"


 
Name:
waxlion1
Date:
12 January 2002

Joke

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?" God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy... " "Why is that, Adam?", came the reply from the Heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, but I'm lonely." "Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will also be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the Heavens and Earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you." "Sounds great!" exclaims Adam. "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me, Lord?" replies Adam. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally, Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"


 
Name:
waxlion1
Date:
11 January 2002

Joke

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"


 
Name:
Townsy
Date:
31 December 2001

Joke

Fishermans chat up line; 'I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to mount on the mantlepiece'


 
Name:
scottyyyyy
Date:
23 December 2001

Joke

What fish do parrots sit on? a perch


 
Name:
10.
Date:
12 December 2001

Joke

why did the fish cross the road to get to the bait shop


 
Name:
nobby
Date:
22 November 2001

Joke

Two maggots playing golf. One says, "I like golf, don't you?" The other replys, "Yeah, beats fishing!"


 
Name:
Bart
Date:
16 November 2001

Joke

Liverpool City council have complained that Liverpuddlians are not being represented enough through the media. The BBC have resolved the issue by putting Crime Watch on five days a week.


 
Name:
Dimebar
Date:
14 November 2001

Joke

Name a famous singing fish? Cod Stewart! Cliff Pilchard! Barbel Streisand!


 
Name:
Chris Binns ...aka BUZZARD
Date:
06 November 2001

Joke

two parrots sat on a perch, one said to the other....it smells a bit fishy round here!!! haha b'bum!!


 
Name:
Johnn0
Date:
03 November 2001

Joke

Why are fish so intelligent - Cause they spend all their time in Skools


 
Name:
Jason Rogdirt
Date:
17 October 2001

Joke

There were two blokes sat by the canal fishing one morning when a funeral car and procession went past. One of the blokes stands up, takes off his hat and bows his head. The bloke that was sat down turns around to him and says "You know, that was really nice and respectful of you that!" The other bloke sits back down and says "Well, it was the least I could do, I was married to her for fifteen years".


 
Name:
danny/daniel.r.hall@ntlworld.com
Date:
01 October 2001

Joke

Whats the worse day for a fish answer Fri Day


 
Name:
Anon
Date:
28 September 2001

Joke

God walked up to Noah whilst he was building the Ark. "Noah, I want you to stop building the pens and build rows and rows of shelves instead". 
Noah - "yes boss, but why shelves?" 
God - "To put fish tanks on, loads and loads of fish tanks". 
Noah - " Ah I see, 2 guppies, 2 goldfish, 2 minnows, 2...." 
God - "No, Carp lots and lots of Carp"

 ...and that was the creation of the very first multi-story Carp Ark


 
Name:
Robinson Crusoe
Date:
20 September 2001

Joke

Jim, Jack and Mick were stranded on a desert Island for several weeks and had become good friends. One day, while fishing at the beach, they found a small bottle. On opening it, a cloud of smoke was released and a genie appeared. The Genie said that it would grant them three wishes for setting it free and since there were three of them, they could have one wish each. Jim said "Oh, I wish I was back home, with my favorite brandy in hand". Poof, he was gone. Jack said "I just wish I was back on my usual stool at my favorite pub" and Poof he too disappeared. Mick was very quiet. Then slowly he began to cry and sobbed, "I'm so lonely here all by myself, I wish my two friends were back." Poof!


 
Name:
Nick
Date:
9 September 2001

Joke

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait. The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait. After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water. After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom. The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks were? "


 
Name:
Nick
Date:
9 September 2001

Joke

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."


 
Name:
Euan
Date:
2 September 2001

Joke

Frank and three of his buddies have gone fishing every saturday for nearly forty years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a roadside when a funeral procession drives by. Frank lays down his rod, stands up, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This procession is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Frank sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of them finally speaks up and says, "that was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." Frank replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!"


 
Name:
Danny
Date:
 1 September 2001

Joke

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."


 
Name:
JBs
Date:
21 August 2001

Joke

Son burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, son," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off." "But that's just what I did, mummy."


 
Name:
Rulemaster
Date:
2 August 2001

Joke

Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.


 
Name:
TUNA
Date:
30 July 2001

Joke

Whats the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you cant tuna fish.


 
Name:
bugs
Date:
06 July 2001

Joke

a young boy fishing on a river bank,and a vicar is walking towards him they meet and the vicar say's "hello my young Piscatorial" to which the your boy replies "hello you old s**t face....


 
Name:
ickle66@hotmail.com
Date:
26 June 2001

Joke

Whats the fastest fish in the warwickshire Avon??? A foul-hooked barbel!!


 
Name:
swainunited@hotmail.com
Date:
19 June 2001

Joke

what lives in a lake and goes brummmm brummmmm? A MOTORPIKE AND SIDECARP


 
Name:
<<Terry>>
Date:
19 June 2001

Joke

Whats the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you cant tuna fish.

How do you communicate with a fish? drop it a line :(


 
Name:
big Al
Date:
18 June 2001

Joke

Whats the fastest thing in the river? A motor Pike and side Carp


 
Name:
kel kelp
Date:
17 June 2001

Joke

why do salmon always return to the same river? because theirs no PLAICE like home.


 
Name:
swainunited@hotmail.com
Date:
16 June 2001

Joke

question:Whats the fastest fish in the world of water? Answer: A go-Carp


 
Name:
peter
Date:
12 June 2001

Joke

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? - "Dam"


 
Name:
KING PRAWN
Date:
12 June 2001

Joke

HOW DID THE FISH CROSS THE ROAD? IT DIDN'T


 
Name:
keith carpo
Date:
10 June 2001

Joke

what do you call a fish that can sing? a soul mate.


 
Name:
John
Date:
01 June 2001

Joke

A one armed fisherman in a pub telling his mates about his days fishing. When he got to the end of his tale, he held out his arm and said that it was this long.


 
Name:
Mick Ward
Date:
19 May 2001

Joke

A blind man is going home from the pub. As he passes the fish'n'chip shop he says "Good night girls!"


 
Name:
Pikey
Date:
18 May 2001

Joke

Two blondes were in a boat fishing. After a brilliant day, the first blonde said to the other "we should mark this spot." At this point she leaned overside to put a mark on the side of the boat. Her mate said "you fool that won't work". "Why?" said the first. Her mate replied "we may not get the same boat tomorrow".


 
Name:
keef
Date:
29 April 2001

Joke

Two Irish men staggering home after a night on the Guinness. Paddy says "lets get a salmon on the way home" Murphy says "how are we gonna do that ?" Paddy says "when we get to the bridge i'll lower you over the bridge and when the salmon jumps you grab it" "ok" Says Murphy so they set off for the bridge. 30 minutes later after hanging over the bridge Murphy says "Paddy Paddy pull me up" "Why" say's "Paddy have you got one" "No says Murphy "there's a bloody train coming"


 
Name:
rory the roach
Date:
12 April 2001

Joke

what do you call a fish with no eyes (fsh)


 
Name:
Jez
Date:
07 April 2001

Joke

What did the blonde say to the physicist? "Why, I just Love nuclear fission! But what do you use for bait?"


 
Name:
Gary B
Date:
05 March 2001

Joke

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johhny?" "Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up,"and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"


 
Name:
John
Date:
17 February 2001

Joke

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.

The voice came once more, "FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO you idiot!...this is the Ice-Rink Manager."

 


 

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